Current mood:	accomplished
Current music:	'Walk Away' - Mad at Gravity

FIC: [Vandread] 'Trust' 1/2 (BC/Meia, NC-17)
This is the first sequel to 'Himegoto', and the first entry for 30_lemons.

Fandom: Vandread (anime)
Date Finished: June 27th, 2005
Classification: Angst, WAFF, Romance, PWP
Pairing: BC/Meia
Rating: NC-17
Note: Direct sequel to ‘Himegoto’. Response to challenge #1 (Anonymity, or, "Taken by the Faceless Stranger") in the 30_lemons community.

Trust
By Elsewhere
elsewherecw@shaw.ca

Disclaimer: The universe and characters aren’t mine. How shocking, eh?

Distribution: If you want this story for any page other than the ones I’ve sent it to, please ask me first, so I know where it goes.

Spoilers: For the entire series, essentially, but mostly Second Stage and Gekitouhen. If you haven’t seen the entire series, I advise you not to read this.

Series Warnings: For the most part this focuses on a heterosexual romance, but given that this is Vandread, there are frequent references to yuri, and even the occasional mention of yaoi.

WARNING: BC is a man with breasts and a feminine figure. If you're squicked by extreme androgyny, this is definitely not the fic for you. Also, of course, het sex is a totally new experience to both characters here, so this is awkward sex to the max. ;P

Summary: BC and Meia explore their new relationship---in the bedroom.

Part One:

*****

She met him in the corridor outside his quarters, leaning casually against the wall next to his door. She listened to the sound of his footsteps slowing, then stopping, close enough that if she reached out, she knew she could touch him.

"Welcome back," she said, lifting her head and offering him a small smile. She knew that everything she was feeling was nakedly displayed in her eyes, and she had reached the point where she didn’t mind.

"Meia," he said softly, smiling back at her. "Did you hear the news?"

"Yes. The Nirvana is to be used as a testing ground while women and men try to adjust to one another again," she said, her smile fading into an expression of professional detachment. "It’s going to get busy around here."

"Agreed," he said, suddenly sounding exhausted.

She stepped away from the door.

"I’m sorry, am I keeping you?" she said, unable to help the mild blush that heated her cheeks. "I’m sure you’re tired."

"Not too tired to talk to you, Meia," he replied gently, and she felt herself blushing harder as she watched him open the door to his quarters and gesture her inside. "Please, come in…just for a while."

She did as asked, ignoring the way her heart was suddenly pounding hard against her ribcage.

"Please, sit," BC said quietly, sounding mildly preoccupied as he disappeared into the corner where he kept his mini-fridge. "What can I offer you, Meia?"

"Anything," she said, a bit huskily.

She watched him stiffen, his hand tightening slightly on the door of the fridge. "I meant to drink."

"…So did I," she said, blushing fiercely.

He cleared his throat, and she turned away, wallowing in her moment of embarrassment as she listened to him moving around the room. After a moment he sat down in the chair across from her, setting a drink on the table in front of her. Still keeping her eyes turned away, she lifted the glass and took a sip, instantly recognizing the sweet-bitter taste of cold tea.

She coughed quietly.

"I understand that Duero, Bart and Hibiki, along with Dita, are going back to Talark to recruit subjects for this…experiment," she said conversationally, trying to force her voice not to sound so breathy. Gods, she was nervous. She had decided to go ahead with this, but she was so incredibly nervous. Her only comfort was the knowledge that she wasn’t the only one afraid.

This thought finally gave her the courage to look back towards him, only to stop and hold her breath when their eyes met. She watched as a slow blush crossed his cheeks.

"Yes, that’s the plan," he agreed, his voice a bit unsteady. Yes, she thought, forcing herself to calm. This was just as hard for him as it was for her.

"I take it you won’t be joining them?" she asked, with all the calm she had managed to muster. She didn’t want to say it aloud, but she was worried. Afraid that she had made her decision just in time to lose him.

"No," he said, giving her a brief smile. "I have my duties here to attend to."

She swallowed back her initial relief.

"And…what’s going to happen to you?" she said, her voice falling to a whisper.

He was quiet for a few seconds, sipping on his tea, before he answered.

"Following Grandma and Grandpa’s meeting of earlier today, I have been pardoned of the charges of desertion," he said, and she watched as an ironic smile twisted his lips. "In exchange for this allowance, all records of my presence in the Talark military have been purged. To the world of men, I no longer exist."

"…I’m sorry," she said quietly, her eyes tracing the lines of his face, trying to discern his reaction to his sentence.

His smile softened.

"For what?" He shook his head. "It doesn’t matter. I have not called Talark my home for quite some time. Although I was a stranger amongst you, I came to think of myself as one of you."

"You were never a stranger," she said softly. "Even when you were gone, we all knew you’d come back. We all wanted you to come back."

She watched as he lowered his eyes, staring into his tea, moved by her words.

"Thank you," he said finally, his voice choked.

She smiled, and felt herself blush again as she asked the next obvious question.

"Does that mean you’ll…stay like this?" When he glanced up at her, she gestured as politely as she could towards him, her eyes flickering briefly over his breasts. He smiled when he realized what she meant.

"I’m comfortable this way," he said, an eyebrow lifting as he swallowed the last of his tea. "As strange as that may seem."

"Someday…" she said, and she waited until she had his attention before she continued, "…you’ll have to tell me about how you came to be in this situation."

He paused, something dark briefly flickering across his eyes, then said, "Yes…someday."

They sat in silence for several moments, while she finished her tea and he watched her. His gaze was so intent that she could feel her ears turning red.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" he asked, his voice raspy and soft.

"Yes," she said without hesitation, and then she smiled, meeting his eyes. "I think it’s unavoidable."

"Point taken," he said, lips twisting in a slight grin. The expression faded into one of obvious nervousness as he watched her get to her feet. She touched his shoulder, the barest beckoning gesture, and he responded, standing. He stood before her, towered over her, and she stayed stock still, her eyes focused on his collarbone. She wanted to touch him. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted him to touch her. But at the same time, she…

She shuddered, suddenly overcome with a wild fear. Almost without thought, she turned and started for the door, pulling up short when she felt his hand catch hers, warm and solid. She could hear her ragged breath resounding through the silence in his room. *His room.*

"Meia…" he murmured, and she stiffened, breath growing increasingly uneven as she felt him move to stand behind her. His hands curled around her upper arms, pulling her gently back against him.

"Yes?" she whispered, hoping that he couldn’t hear the uncertainty in her voice.

"Meia…stay with me tonight." His voice was soft, hesitant, his touch even more so. She felt herself stiffen again, and she had to force herself to breathe.

"…All right," she said finally, her voice hoarse. She stood still as he stepped back, away from her, giving her her space again. Although it was what she had wanted---to be given space to breathe, to think---she found herself leaning back towards where he’d been, seeking his warmth.

"I meant to talk," he said quietly, sounding mildly embarrassed. "Just for a while."

"All right," she said again, closing her eyes. Gods… "But, will you…turn off the lights?"

"…All right." Little more than a whisper, and she stood still, waiting, until she was abruptly enveloped in darkness. Still she remained where she was, waiting. After a time, she heard the sound of cloth rustling and metal clinking, and his footsteps as he moved around the room. She felt something deep within her clench when she heard the sound of weight being lowered onto a bed. Wordlessly, he extended her an invitation, his hand brushing against hers gently.

Swallowing down her fear, she straightened and undid her jacket, taking it off.

"Do you…have something I could wear?" she asked, shyly. She heard him moving around again, and then a bundle of fabric was pushed into her hands. "Hold it for a moment, please?"

Still speechless, he took the clothes back from her, and she listened to the soft sound of his breathing as she slid out of her clothes. Her hand brushed his, her heartbeat racing at even that minimal contact, and she took the nightclothes from him. In seconds she was standing in a vastly overlarge pair of his loose, silky pajamas, her nostrils filled with the gentle, spicy scent of him. She bent to roll up the bottoms of the trousers, then, feeling her way in the dark, she climbed up onto the bed with him, stopping when she bumped against his knee with her own.

Several minutes passed in silence, the only sound that of their breathing, each unsteady. The silence and the dark grew so deep, so thick, that she felt her chest tightening, the familiar panic rising up in her. Perhaps it hadn’t been a good idea to do this in the dark…but she hadn’t expected to be alone.

"Please, I can’t stand this," she breathed, a desperate rush of words. She heard him catch his breath.

"What do you need?" he asked, and she almost sighed in relief when she felt his fingertips against her wrist.

"Talk to me. Touch me. Just for a while," she answered breathlessly, and again she heard him catch his breath, then a soft, unintelligible murmur before, suddenly, his hands were cupping her cheeks. As his fingertips explored her cheekbones, she sighed, long and slow, and lifted her hands to take off her head ornament. She carefully dropped it over the side of the bed, onto where she thought her clothes had fallen. There. Now she could proceed without the weight of admonition.

Then his hands were in her hair, his lips were against her jawbone, and for a time she was aware of little else. Her own hands were grasping helplessly against him, fingers questing over his chest as he explored her face with his mouth, his hands running soothingly through her hair. His lips reached hers, and she felt an explosion of warmth spread through her body as he gently worked her lips apart and pressed his tongue into her mouth, exploring the hidden recesses within. She moaned against him, her hands gripping the cloth of his shirt as he kissed her, the movements of his tongue sending spikes of heat down her spine to settle low in her abdomen. Closing her eyes, she curled her fingers through his hair, scratching her nails lightly against his scalp. She let out a startled yelp when she felt his hands suddenly close over her hips, lifting her and pulling her over to straddle his lap. She had no choice but to relax against him as his lips quested down her neck, as his hands gently kneaded her back, as their breasts pressed hard against each other.

She could happily have remained that way for as long as possible, cradled in his lap with his hands and lips and tongue warming her skin, her own hands clasping him as close as she dared…but then she felt it, for the first time. Something unexpected, the feeling of something foreign---and hot, and hard---pressed against the inside of her thigh. Her eyes snapped open, awareness flooding through her as she stiffened against him.

"Meia?" His voice was uncertain, his breath warmly fanning over her ear.

"What is that?" she said, unable to help the note of fear in her voice.

She felt him freeze against her. His arms went slack around her, and she quickly took the opportunity to back away, scrambling a few feet across the bed.

"I’m sorry, Meia. I shouldn’t have…" he began, only to stop when she said a soft, "No. It’s all right."

She took a deep breath, closing her eyes as she lowered herself to her side, curling up and hugging herself tightly.

"I’m the one who should be sorry," she murmured, keeping her eyes closed against the mixture of unpleasant emotions---fear, guilt, disgust, self-directed anger---roiling in her stomach, combined with the heated remainder of her desire. "Asking you to do this in the dark…trying to maintain anonymity in the hope of ignoring the truth…"

She heard him let out a shaky breath.

"Like this, I can keep pretending that this is familiar. That this is normal," Meia muttered, swallowing back her shame as she spoke. "But in reality, it’s still there…it’s automatic. This…fear. This revulsion."

She stiffened, then forced herself to relax, when she felt his hand stroke gently through her hair.

"I know the feeling," he said, a sound of bitter irony in his voice. "I never thought I would be in this situation. All this time I’ve lived amongst you…and I never thought this would happen. It is automatic, Meia. We’ve never known anything else. Men and women…do not belong together."

"And yet…we’re trying to change that," Meia said quietly, keeping her eyes tightly shut. "So why am I still so afraid? Why does this automatic feeling of disgust persist?"

"Because it’s all we’ve ever known," he repeated, his hand gentle in her hair. She could feel the warmth of his touch tingling down her spine. His tenderness provided a push against the quivering feeling of revulsion and shame that threatened to overwhelm her. "I’m struggling with the same feelings, Meia."

"…I’m afraid, BC." There, she had said it. Her voice was unsteady, unsure, but she had said it.

"So am I," he whispered, sounding almost desperate. "Oh, Meia…so am I."

"But…I want this," she said, more to herself than to him. She felt the words resonate in her mind. It was true…she did want him, more than she would have ever believed possible. "I do want this. I will overcome this."

Silence for a moment, and then her voice again, hesitant and breathy.

"Will you…let me hear your real voice?" she asked, squeezing her eyes tightly shut even in the darkness. She was afraid he would say yes, and so afraid he would say no.

"Meia…" he sounded surprised, and reluctant.

"I think it will help. It will help it sink in…" she said, and then with a rough sigh she sat up, letting his hand slide away from her. Her voice was rough, almost tired. "Because…you still smell like a woman, still feel like a woman."

"…All right." He still sounded hesitant, but less so. She listened in silence, unable to hear whatever it was he did to negate the altering effect on his voice.

"Say something," she urged him, when he remained silent. She had turned towards him, waiting for him.

"What should I say, Meia?" he asked, and she shivered, a thrill of fear moving down her spine when she heard that voice. This voice was unmistakably male. The rhythm of it was familiar and reassuring; it was obviously BC’s voice. But the sound of it, the depth of it…again she was aware of the brief illusion of sharing the room with a stranger, but then she felt BC’s hand against hers again, and she felt relief settle into her bones.

"Say anything…" she murmured, leaning towards him, until she felt his breath against her forehead.

"I’m…afraid of what you’ll think of me, Meia," he said softly, that now-familiar unsteadiness in his voice. Such a different voice, and yet the same. She pressed a little closer, until his lips were against her skin.

"I’m afraid too," she said softly. "But we’ll never get anywhere if we let ourselves succumb to fear."

She felt his breath puff out against her skin, and then his hands encircling her arms again.

"Touch me," she whispered, her eyes wide open now. "I promise I won’t pull away again."

She listened as he let out a soft sound, murmuring something incomprehensible against her forehead as his hands tightened on her arms. His fingers loosened and stroked slowly up her arms until his hands were again cupping her face, and then she was swallowed once more by the heat of his mouth. She felt heat radiate through her body as his lips massaged hers, encouraging her to open her mouth. At least this was familiar; they held this in common. She took comfort in this knowledge, the sureness of the kiss.

Even as he seemed to relax into the kiss, his motions against her slow and languid as his hands rubbed her back and tangled in her hair, she could feel herself tightening, her body winding like a spring. All this did was make her want more. If it was impossible, if it was forbidden…then she wanted to taste the forbidden fruit. He made a muffled sound of surprise against her mouth as she suddenly curled her hand around the back of his neck and pulled him deeper into the kiss. He groaned into her mouth as she moved forward, pulling herself back into his lap. Their breasts brushed together, and she listened as he gasped, pulling back from the kiss.

"Meia, no…wait," he said breathlessly, and she again shuddered at the sound of his voice. His arms tightened around her, and the shivering stopped.

"What’s wrong?" she said, trying to catch her own breath.

"I don’t want to take this too quickly," he said, and she trembled when she felt his hands smoothing over her hips. His touch was so gentle…so unbearably gentle. "I don’t want to frighten you again."

"I want you to touch me," she returned, and she felt his breath puff out against her cheek as she leaned in and kissed her way up his jaw line. He was silent for a moment, holding her gently, before he finally grasped her hips and lifted her out of his lap. She knelt in front of him, her hands on his shoulders, waiting for his answer.

"Then tell me…show me what a woman would do," he said softly. She shuddered deeply again, this time with the heat of the desire that rushed to pool in her belly. His hands were so hot against her skin; his skin was so soft beneath her touch. And he was, as always, so considerate…he wanted to please her. She knew he wanted to show her the way he felt, without hurting or scaring her, and the very thought of it made her shiver.

Swallowing down the hard pang of nervousness that made her heart pound fiercely, she took his hands and gently pushed them away. She could hear him breathing, waiting for her, as she tugged off the loose pajama shirt she was wearing and tossed it aside. Her breath heaved in her chest as she reached out for him again. Their fingers intertwined briefly, seeking solid purchase, before she took his hands and pressed them over her breasts. She heard his breath hitch in his throat, and fought not to groan at the sublime sensation of heat on her goose-pimpled flesh.

Her eyes were wide open, staring into the dark, as his hands started to move, his fingertips slowly exploring her. She shivered with each pass his fingertips made over the swell of her breasts, under their soft weight, and over the hard tips of her nipples. She made small noises of encouragement when he rolled her nipples beneath his thumbs, and let out a long, shaky breath when he finally bent his head and sucked the tip of one aching breast into his mouth. He suckled for a moment in silence, and she fought to breathe as the heat of his mouth spiraled down her spine, making her restless. Her hands were in his hair, holding tightly as she felt herself gradually losing touch with reality.

He pulled back briefly, and she gasped at the chill that fell over her breast, wet and exposed. She mumbled her pleasure when his hand took the place of his mouth, returning warmth to her skin.

"This isn’t so different," he remarked, his own voice breathless and somewhat unsure. "We also do this."

"Don’t stop," she whispered, and she heard him chuckle softly as he bent towards her again. She caught her breath as his lips dragged along the underside of her breast, his hand still massaging the other.

"Definitely not so different…" he murmured, and then his mouth was on her again, sucking and gently pulling, and for a few minutes she was aware of nothing else. Her hands were clenched tightly in his hair, the desperation in her touch obvious. It had been so long since she’d felt anything like this…had she ever felt anything quite like this? All of her past experience was only of the most casual kind. This felt so much more important…she was risking so much more for this.

A whimper rose unbidden in her throat as he gently lowered her to her back, pressing her back against the bed. She could feel him hovering over her as his mouth continued its ministrations, even as one of his hands ran slowly down her abdomen, massaging muscles that tightened and loosened with lingering fear and desire. She sighed soundlessly when his mouth finally pulled away, only to feel him kissing his way down the path his hand had taken, his mouth exploring her skin while his hands smoothed over her sides. She drew in a quick breath when she felt his fingers slide beneath the hem of her pants.

"May I?" he asked, his voice taut with desire. The sound of that voice, which had before made her thrum with fright, now made her shiver with anticipation.

"Please," she whispered, and as he tugged at the loose fabric, she lifted her hips to aid him. He followed this by pulling off her panties. She listened as he tossed the cloth aside, and she closed her eyes, biting back a groan as she lifted her knees. She knew he couldn’t see her, but nonetheless her automatic response was to open her legs for him, a gesture of submission she realized she’d never shown anyone else in her life.

"Tell me what to do, Meia." It was barely more than a whisper; he sounded vaguely frantic, but frightened at the same time.

"Give me your hand," she answered, her own voice quaking even as her body trembled. She felt his hand press against hers, and she swallowed back her trepidation before she guided his hand over her stomach and down to the apex of her thighs. She heard him gasp, felt him stiffen where he lay next to her, as his fingers dipped into the moisture between her legs. She kept her hand wrapped around his, encouraging him as he explored, his fingers gently parting the folds of her flesh. Her breath hitched in her throat with every touch, and she could hear his breath fast and hard against her cheek.

"So this is what a woman is like…" he said softly, wonder and curiosity evident in his tone. She slowly let her hand drop to the side as his touch grew bolder, his fingers intent on discovering her secrets. She gasped when his fingers first brushed over her opening, then pressed ever so slightly inside. She heard him gasp with her.

"This…is very different," he said, and she shivered, arching her back against the bed, when he pushed deeper, his finger questing inside. A groan tore from her throat as her vagina squeezed down on his finger, accepting him eagerly.

She heard him swallow, felt him trembling beside her.

"Very different…" he said, and then she felt his lips against her temple, seeking reassurance. "Is this right?"

"Yes…please, don’t stop." Her voice was desperate; it surprised her to hear herself. She wasn’t sure when she had last heard herself like this…if she’d ever heard herself like this. Her hand curled around his wrist again, encouraging him as his finger quested deeper, probing at her walls until she was shuddering helplessly. "Please…BC…"

He kissed her cheek distractedly, obviously preoccupied with his task.

"We do something like this…but here," he murmured, and as he spoke, he pulled his finger out of her---she gasped---and rubbed his fingertips gently against her other opening. Her eyes opened, her breath catching in surprise. As though he sensed her startled reaction, he stopped, moving his hand back upwards and continuing his exploration of her.

"We do that sometimes too…" she murmured, and then she paused, not sure how to explain.

"But for you, the pleasure is here?" he asked, as his finger again pressed within her.

"Yes…" she groaned, arching her hips into his touch. "And…" She took his hand, curled her fingers around his thumb, and guided it upwards. "…Here."

He obeyed her silent urging and, with his thumb, explored the small, hard nub of flesh she’d led him to. She caught her breath and started to tremble so badly it ached. She moaned helplessly, one hand gripping his arm and the other against his chest, as he continued his actions.

"This is good?" he murmured against her temple, and she nodded, her eyes tightly closed now as she felt the long-denied sensation of release building in her body.

"Kiss me," she breathed, and she moaned her pleasure when he obeyed, bending over her and covering her mouth with his. His hand continued its steady, gentle motions as his tongue pushed past her lips and tasted her mouth. She groaned against him, rose up to meet the thrusts of his hand, helplessly wound her fingers in his hair as she felt herself coming to the threshold.

She pulled away from his mouth at the last instant, for once in her life allowing herself to let go completely, a rough cry torn from her throat as she came. She shuddered through the spasms, her eyes closed tightly, until finally she came back to herself. She struggled to catch her breath even as she felt his other hand smoothing back through her hair. The hand between her legs retreated slowly, and came to rest against one of her raised knees. His fingers were wet and slick. She shivered, then moaned softly when she felt his mouth on hers again. There was a question in his kiss, and when she pulled back, she answered him by wrapping her arms around him as best she could, trying to pull him closer.

"That was wonderful," she murmured, and she felt him relax against her, letting out a breath he’d been holding. She closed her eyes, soothed by the weight of him pressed gently over her. She only stiffened slightly when she felt it again: that foreign object, pressed against her thigh. She didn’t know what it was, but she thought she could guess as to its purpose.

"BC?" she whispered uncertainly, even as BC pulled away slowly, sitting up. Her hand followed him, still tangled in his hair, unwilling to let go. "Do you want me to…?"

"No," he said, a bit shortly, only to let out a breath and stroke his hand again through her hair. "No, not tonight, Meia…we have plenty of time."

"All right," she murmured, finally letting her hand fall away from him. She felt his hand slide away from her knee and listened in silence for a moment, wondering what he was doing.

"Delicious…" he muttered a minute later, and she blushed deeply, realizing what he must have been doing. She relaxed slowly as she felt him settle back onto the bed next to her, his hand hesitantly brushing her bare skin, asking a question. When she turned towards him and smoothed her hand over the silken material of his shirt, he pulled a bit closer to her, his arm curving over her waist.

"Thank you, Meia," he whispered, and she blinked into the darkness.

"For what?" she asked. He had been the one to pleasure her; she’d done nothing yet.

"For your trust," he answered, his voice soft, and she felt a pleasant tingle move down her spine.

"You’re…welcome," she whispered, and then she closed her eyes and kissed him gently. "Good night, BC."

"Good night, Meia."

*****

END PART ONE